Proximity Changes Perspective

How I changed my views and how you can too

Karl Johnson Gurley (contributor to my blog) and me together after my seminary graduation in 2014. My relationship with Karl helped to change my perspective.

“What makes the Gospel offensive isn’t who it keeps out, but who it lets in.” Rachel Held Evans (Searching for Sunday)

I vividly remember the moment I decided to change.

Shortly after reading Rachel Held Evan’s Searching for Sunday I preached a sermon on the story of Philip and the Eunuch (Acts 8:26-40). In this story we have an unnamed eunuch (a man who is not able to procreate) on their way home after visiting Jerusalem to worship. While he had a certain level of power and wealth as highly placed government official from a foreign nation, he was seen in Israel as an outsider religiously, culturally, and sexually. According to Jewish law a eunuch could not worship with the rest of the community; they would not even be allowed to enter the temple. 

Interestingly though, when Philip encountered this individual, he not only engaged them in conversation, but treated them as an insider. Philip offered to explain the good news about Jesus and the conversation went so well that the eunuch asked: 

​​“Look! There’s some water! Why can’t I be baptized?” 

I closed the sermon with this line: 

“Before Jesus, there were many reasons why. But after Jesus, there wasn’t a single one…”

After the service ended, a woman approached me with hopeful eyes. She told me that her son had started attending our church and after that sermon she could see why. She told me that she was gay and asked me if our church was affirming of LGBT people or if her son was going to have to choose between our church and her. 

Clarity is kindness, so I told her that the church was not affirming in the way she was hoping for. Her face fell and her eyes filled with tears as she thanked me and walked away. I had told the truth, but I felt gutted. She had interpreted the sermon correctly. After Jesus there was no reason she should be kept on the outside. 

I went home that day convinced that I would never do that to someone again.

Change can happen - I am proof

Senior year of college with my chlorine ravage swimmer’s hair. (2004)

When I was a senior in college the debate over gay marriage in the broader culture gained steam. I had grown up in a world where we used the word “gay” as a pejorative; as in, “Don’t be so gay!” I was attending a conservative evangelical college where I might have wondered if someone was gay, but it wasn’t something anyone talked about openly. Queer students kept that fact to themselves. Growing up I had been taught by evangelicalism that there was a “gay lifestyle”, that homosexuality was sin, and that legalizing gay marriage would be destructive for society. So when legislation was suggested for legalizing gay marriage in the state where I was attending school in 2003 I remember thinking, “That will never pass.” (It did.)

The next year I entered into a career in Christian ministry. Over the next 18 years I worked for three conservative evangelical churches, on both U.S. coasts, ranging from 300-10,000 congregants. This career helped me to build relationships with thousands of people, many of them middle and high school students, and those relationships broadened my understanding of the human experience. For the first time in my life I found myself working with and deeply loving queer people. I heard their stories, watched their struggles, and found that this proximity began changing my perspective.

What I discovered were men and women who had known from a young age that something was different about them. Many of them in evangelical circles had spent years trying to change but couldn’t. These were wonderful human beings who experienced the world differently than me. They weren’t asking for the overthrow of my faith or society at large. They were asking to live their own lives authentically and in peace.

The experience I was having with queer individuals was totally different than what I had been taught to expect. Evangelical leaders like James Dobson, Pat Robinson, and Jerry Falwell Sr. have long taught that the "gay agenda" is dangerous and destructive, not just to the individuals who participate, but to society overall. Immersing myself in the experiences of others caused me to look more deeply at these teachings. What I found during that process is that these claims are entirely untrue.

We now have 20 years of data to look back on since the first legalization of gay marriage in Massachusetts. A study published by RAND in May of 2024 shows that: 

Over the 20 years that same-sex couples have been able to marry in the United States, there have been no negative effects on marriage, divorce, or cohabitation among different-sex couples, according to a new report from RAND and UCLA.

In addition, the few significant effects observed by new analyses of the issue suggest a slight increase in overall marriage rates and provide some evidence of improved attitudes toward marriage among young people in states after same-sex couples were granted legal status.

Researchers also reviewed nearly 100 studies that have examined the consequences of same-sex marriage on multiple measures of family formation and well-being, and found consistent results indicating significant benefits to same-sex couples and no harm to different-sex unions.

Gay marriage has not destroyed our nation. It has not ruined the "institution” of marriage. In fact, the institution of marriage in the U.S. has incrementally improved over the last 20 years! Same-sex couples have experienced significant benefits, while not harming different-sex couples. But while gay marriage hasn’t harmed anyone, evangelical attitudes towards queer people definitely have. 

According to the Trevor Project’s 2022 National Survey on LGBT Youth Mental Health “45% of LGBTQ youth seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year.” Statistics like this are often explained away within evangelicalism as the natural consequence of sin. But, like so many evangelical culture positions, this is based in dogma, not in data. LGBTQ mental health outcomes are not static across the board, instead they are strongly linked to social support or lack thereof. According to the study:   

• LGBTQ youth who felt high social support from their family reported attempting suicide at less than half the rate of those who felt low or moderate social support.

• LGBTQ youth who found their school to be LGBTQ-affirming reported lower rates of attempting suicide.

• LGBTQ youth who lived in a community that is accepting of LGBTQ people reported significantly lower rates of attempting suicide than those who did not.

High social support for queer youth is a literal life and death issue.

Rather than support these individuals though, evangelicals have often pushed them to conform or change. Over the last 30+ years an estimated 700,000 Americans have undergone conversion therapy, a regimented attempt to change their sexual orientation. Evangelical ministries like Exodus International spent decades claiming to help queer folks change their orientation, in spite of the evidence never supporting their claims. Rather, studies show that an overwhelming majority of people subjected to conversion therapy suffered long-term severe psychological stress leading to high rates of depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, attempts, and death. 

A central Christian ethic is to care for the “least of these.” In this passage Jesus is speaking to his followers, those we would call Christians today, about what he expects of them. He makes no mentions of beliefs, doctrines, confessional prayers, or truth. Instead, he focuses entirely on how his followers treat the vulnerable. The only qualification for salvation in this particular discussion is how the vulnerable are cared for. 

Evangelicals cannot claim to care for the vulnerable, while simultaneously refusing to offer the support that so many of their queer children and loved ones need. There are so many closeted queer people in evangelical churches. One who recently came out to me shared that they are worried they will lose their family if they come out publically. This is a weighty but realistic fear. They see how queer people are talked about in public by these same family members. 

It reminds me of the quote, 

“Be careful who you hate, it might end up being someone you love.”  

Evangelicals, you cannot claim to be for queer people, and you cannot claim to be trying to save them, if you are ignoring the very real bodily harm they are experiencing because of your doctrines and exclusion. You cannot claim to be pro-life and espouse beliefs that lead to increased suicide rates among queer children and teenagers. If your theology is leading to death, which it is, your theology and your practice have to change. 

I know change is difficult. After preaching that sermon on Philip and the Eunuch, and after the conversation with that heartbroken mom, I made a decision. 

I decided to change. 

It has been difficult to rethink my belief system and worldview, but in the end, it was the only choice I had. I could protect my own comfort and privilege at the expense of the vulnerable, or I could do the deep work of deconstruction and reconstruction. 

So I have publicly apologized for my former beliefs. I have reached out and apologized to former students of mine who are queer. I have used my influence to advocate for change. And I have used my platform to highlight marginalized queer voices. 

This decision has been costly. But to quote Rev. Easton Williams: 

“At the end of the day, I’d rather be excluded for who I include than included by who I exclude.”

My heart for people and my desire to make a difference in the lives of others hasn’t changed. For my evangelical readers, we aren’t all that different. I know that you have a similar heart for the well-being of your neighbors and loved ones. You truly want the best for people. It is time to recognize the cost being paid by the vulnerable for your worldview. It is time for you to do the difficult but critical work of rethinking your position on this topic. 

Change can happen. 

I am proof.  

You can change your mind too. 

Adam 

PS If you would like resources to help you start the process my blog has multiple weeks of resource lists suggested by myself and many of my contributors. You can find those resources in my posts from Pride Month 2025 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5).